In the Midst of Grief

I will never forget the moment your heart stopped, and mine kept beating. -Unknown

Three years ago. It doesn't feel like three years. For me, it feels like three days.

When you walk by me, you would never know. Many have forgotten, more often, avoided. 

Loss has a tendency of making some uncomfortable. What I can tell you is the most uncomfortable...the silence. 

Three years ago we lost a precious angel. As I looked at her fragile body, I wept. I wept for the loss we experienced, but what I did not know at that moment, was the blessing God would overflow us with later. 

She was perfect. For 24 weeks, this little girl thrived inside me, in spite of what doctors continually told us. Each day I would pray this exact prayer: "God, I come to you, trusting that if Your will is to heal our child, I will be forever grateful, but God if you choose to take her home, I know it was Your plan".

This was a perfect prayer, in my opinion. I had both outcomes covered.. What I had not asked God for, is what I would soon need the most.

In June 2013, God chose to take her home. 

I spent time focusing on our son, my husband, and myself. I began to exercise and found healing in my body. I kept busy. Busy is good when you want to avoid your emotions. I volunteered more. Committed myself more. Anything that could occupy my mind. Because once my mind wandered, I had to face the loss. 

There aren't enough blogs, testimonies, books, or uplifting bible verses that can heal a broken heart.

I would sit awake at night crying.  My husband would be laying next to me, yet I couldn't have felt more alone. How do you talk to someone who experienced the same loss you did? How do you communicate your grief, when the person  beside you is just as heartbroken as you?

All I knew to do was to beg God for peace. Cry out to Him from the darkest place I had ever been in. To heal my heart and to give me the strength to take my wandering mind captive.

Did it happen immediately? No. Do I still struggle with "what if's"? Every. Single. Day.

The loss will never go away. But the pain in my heart subsides each day. I have learned that my strength comes only through an unfailing love from my creator.

More to come on the blessing God had awaiting us...

Till next time, 

Sidney