In the Midst of Grief

I will never forget the moment your heart stopped, and mine kept beating. -Unknown

Three years ago. It doesn't feel like three years. For me, it feels like three days.

When you walk by me, you would never know. Many have forgotten, more often, avoided. 

Loss has a tendency of making some uncomfortable. What I can tell you is the most uncomfortable...the silence. 

Three years ago we lost a precious angel. As I looked at her fragile body, I wept. I wept for the loss we experienced, but what I did not know at that moment, was the blessing God would overflow us with later. 

She was perfect. For 24 weeks, this little girl thrived inside me, in spite of what doctors continually told us. Each day I would pray this exact prayer: "God, I come to you, trusting that if Your will is to heal our child, I will be forever grateful, but God if you choose to take her home, I know it was Your plan".

This was a perfect prayer, in my opinion. I had both outcomes covered.. What I had not asked God for, is what I would soon need the most.

In June 2013, God chose to take her home. 

I spent time focusing on our son, my husband, and myself. I began to exercise and found healing in my body. I kept busy. Busy is good when you want to avoid your emotions. I volunteered more. Committed myself more. Anything that could occupy my mind. Because once my mind wandered, I had to face the loss. 

There aren't enough blogs, testimonies, books, or uplifting bible verses that can heal a broken heart.

I would sit awake at night crying.  My husband would be laying next to me, yet I couldn't have felt more alone. How do you talk to someone who experienced the same loss you did? How do you communicate your grief, when the person  beside you is just as heartbroken as you?

All I knew to do was to beg God for peace. Cry out to Him from the darkest place I had ever been in. To heal my heart and to give me the strength to take my wandering mind captive.

Did it happen immediately? No. Do I still struggle with "what if's"? Every. Single. Day.

The loss will never go away. But the pain in my heart subsides each day. I have learned that my strength comes only through an unfailing love from my creator.

More to come on the blessing God had awaiting us...

Till next time, 

Sidney

Who are you?

About Me

One evening I was sitting at a bible study and a question was asked. 

"Who are you?"

I answered as most would. A wife, mother, and friend. 

This talked only about the things I do.. Not who I am. 

I am a child of God. I chose to allow God to have control of my life. To use me for his glory. This has brought me to be a wife to a handsome, loving, wonderful man, a mother to two growing, ornery boys, and a friend to many caring souls. 

Most do not realize, when you are living in God's plan for your life, it is not always easy or comfortable. 

I count all my blessings. Yes. But I have had heartache. Even as a God-loving woman, I have doubted who God is, and why He would bring such pain to our life. 

There are many things I do not do.. I do not pray enough. I do not read my bible enough. I am not always patient enough with my children. I do not give my husband enough respect. 

I could go on...

However, God has not counted me lost. I DO put everything in His hands. I come to Him whole and broken. Trusting His promises and love. 

Asking each day, that God help fill in where I lack.

So, if you are feeling up to it, join me, as I share my journey on becoming a virtuous wife, mother, and friend. I can't promise it will always be uplifting, but I can promise to share my heart. In the end, He cares most about what is in our hearts. 

Sidney